The other day I was telling you all how I was becoming increasingly concerned about my centre of gravity or, more truthfully, it’s tenancy to pull me (without warning) to the horizontal. Well, the situation has worsened and here’s why…
You know when you can’t sleep and you get that, sort of, perhaps a little snack would help? This was me last night. All the information acquired from my last Pcorn Queen Investigates wasn’t exactly on my mind. What was? The memory of that cheesecake that I had secreted at the bottom of the chest freezer in the basement. If I was quick, I could grab it, defrost it in the microwave, grab a spoon and be tucked, “as snug as a bug in a rug” back in bed quicker than Bill Clinton could ever say “I never had….”
So off I snuck sneaked crept ran. Yes, a robe would have been a good idea (I was in my skimpy shirt) but, hey.. the kids were stopping at Grandma’s and it was 3 in the morning, so I’d just be quick; Right? Right!
Now I may be big(ish) but it ain’t in the vertical mode. So to reach the bottom of the freezer I have to stand on an upside down bucket that I keep “just for the job.” Then… Hump and head down to the treasure zone. On Humph the bucket shot backwards, I let go of the freezer lid and the Pcorn Queen trap was sprung. Now I don’t sleep with my “interesting bits” confined. These were instantly “smiling” at me from either side of my face. The skimpy shirt had followed them south and my head and smiley friends were in a tent in the deep Antarctic of our chest freezer… mmmMmmm I was stuck fast. Buxom, bare-arsed, basement, beauty and so I would remain until my knight in shining armour came to my rescue.
Enter Fred, the maintenance man… he’s so cute (in a flintstone sorta way.) I had given Fred a key so that he could let himself in and finish his work whilst I shot off to pick up the kids from Grandma’s. I must say he was very good about it really. We settled on half the cheese cake for his silence. He did pass the comment that the noise from the basement made him think that the woolly mammoth had come back to life and the sight of my lower torso protruding from under the freezer Pcorn Queen trap convinced him that it had as it was smiling and winking at him in the “come on” sort of way.
I tell you, I’ve got to start and take this dieting “thang” seriously and find out how to lose weight fast! My dignity just won’t take it anymore. 
***
Tags: Diet, PCorn Queen Investigates, Review
