How many calories in a banana?
It’s something I’m desparate to know
You see I’m trying to eat more healthy
So I’ve just eaten ten in a row.

They say that banana’s are a good food
And are the world’s fourth largest fruit crop
I’m now on with number eleven
I guess when I’ve had twelve I should stop.

Mmm… I can tates all the fruit sugars and fibre
Potassium and Magnesium too
And being ready wrapped they are handy
Unless the skin’s under your shoe.

If you are needing a diet to slim you
Get bananas the next time you shop
But if you don’t know the calories contained
I suggest that when you’ve had 12 you should stop.

Be Gad my face has turned just yellow
And bent legs is what I’ve now got
But How many calories in a banana?
If I still knew, it is now I would tell you
But it’s one of those things that I forgot!

***

Yes it’s true. I like to shop.  There’s nothing like retail therapy to put a smile on my face. To me, being able to shop at home is like… mmmMmmm?  Being able to have toast with butter, maple syrup and bacon on both sides. Now if I can shop AND get a bargain; then I’m as happy as a turkey in the woods the day after Thanksgiving. On the high street I haggle. There’s usually a salesperson that will put up a good fight but I’ve got all the tricks. The coy smile to the young man just in his first job. The “But I’ve got 14 kids at home and my fella is serving overseas” routine and even the tearful “I’d set my heart on it and missed breakfast for a fortnight just to manage the purchase!”  I’m usually successful but Hey, if they won’t play… I move on.

On line it’s different. There’s nobody to flirt with, bully or wear down.  But wait! Before you press “Buy Now” think twice.  There are still deals out there,  particularly from the major retailers. 

PCorn Queen Investigates brings you today Barnes and Noble Coupons.  You can save yourself up to 70% on your purchases and for only a few minutes of your time.  You don’t need the acting skills that you do on the high street or have the guilt feelings afterwards.  Also we’re not just talking hard copy books here. There’s also gift items, activity kits, e-books and e-zines available.  The money you save on your coupons extends the therapy that’s available to you.

“By the time I have money to burn, my fire will have burnt out!”  ~Author Unknown

www.take-coupons.net

***

I decided that it would be a good idea to take Fred a present to maintain his silence by way of thank you for being my rescuer the other day. But what to buy the guy? I didn’t want the offering to be misunderstood. It was “just a thank you.”  I decided (after rejecting the fluffy rabbit idea) that by pandering to his preoccupation with food,  I would be safe with a Flinstone sized portion of fried chicken and fries and I was clutching this as I knocked nervously on his door last evening.  All I had to do was avoid THE SUBJECT say my piece, smile sweetly and run.

The door was opened not by Fred but Thelma (I didn’t even know he was married… I was safe.)  I say “Thelma” because I never actually got to know her name. She didn’t look like Thelma but “man she sure was Flintstone breed.”  She was… HUGE!  Instantly I became one of the borrowers as she towered above me.  Fortunately at the very top there was a smile…
“Is Fred in? I asked in my little girl voice.
“No he’s down out the Doc’s,”  came the reply.  ”But I know who you are honey come on inside.”
It wasn’t an offer or request even. The next thing I knew I was dumped on to the sofa and she sat down beside me.
“Fred has a bad gall bladder” she said “Do you know about gall bladder symptoms?”
I don’t really do sitting listening to people’s ailments but in this case; well I was safe from THAT OTHER TOPIC and I sure wasn’t going to argue with Thelma!

How exactly the chicken and fries got from me to her I don’t quite know but she approved my gift with the comment “Fred sure ain’t having this.” and proceeded to tuck in.
“I blame his diet” she continued.  ”That man eats like trash. I keep telling him,  Fred it just ain’t good for you man!”

I’d learnt a good deal about the gall bladder, facts and symptoms before I  escaped from  said Goodbye to Thelma but at least we stayed away from Cheesecake and Two Smiley Friends!

Did you know?

• Over 25 miliion affected in the United States have gallstones.
• Gallstones are more common in women than men.
• The incidence of gallstones increases with age.
• About 30% of patients with gallstones require surgery.
• Native Americans have a higher rate of gallstones than other groups.
• Obesity is a major risk factor.
• Women are up to 60 are twice as likely to suffer than men.
• Incidence increases as we get older.

The chicken was now safely beyond Fred’s reach, so I judged I could make a dignified retreat:
“Well I gotta go but it’s been lovely meeting you.” I said getting up,
“You too honey” smiling all the way she showed me to the door,  I’d got away with it…

She called before I’d got to the safety of the truck. and I turned. It was with a smile as broad as her girth that she handed me one of those 3 step mini-folding step ladders.
“You might as well have these honey. I can reach our freezer bottom easy!” She winked and gave me the thumbs up!

www.gallbladdersymptomsz.com

***

The other day I was telling you all how I was becoming increasingly concerned about my centre of gravity or, more truthfully,  it’s tenancy  to pull me (without warning) to the horizontal.  Well, the situation has worsened and here’s why…

You know when you can’t sleep and you get that, sort of, perhaps a little snack would help? This was me last night.  All the information acquired from my last Pcorn Queen Investigates wasn’t exactly on my mind.  What was? The memory of  that cheesecake that I had secreted at the bottom of  the chest freezer in the basement.  If I was quick, I could grab it, defrost it in the microwave, grab a spoon and be tucked, “as snug as a bug in a rug” back in bed quicker than Bill Clinton could ever say “I never had….”

So off I snuck sneaked crept ran.  Yes, a robe would have been a good idea (I was in my skimpy shirt) but, hey.. the kids were stopping at Grandma’s and it was 3 in the morning, so I’d just be quick;  Right?  Right!

Now I may be big(ish) but it ain’t in the vertical mode.  So to reach the bottom of the freezer I have to stand on an upside down bucket that I keep “just for the job.”  Then… Hump and head down to the treasure zone.  On Humph the bucket shot backwards, I let go of the freezer lid and the Pcorn Queen trap was sprung.  Now I don’t sleep with my “interesting bits” confined. These were instantly “smiling” at me from either side of my face.  The skimpy shirt had followed them south and my head and smiley friends were in a tent in the deep Antarctic of our chest freezer…   mmmMmmm I was stuck fast.  Buxom, bare-arsed, basement, beauty and so I would remain until my knight in shining armour came to my rescue.

Enter Fred, the maintenance man… he’s so cute (in a flintstone sorta way.)  I had given Fred a key so that he could let himself in and finish his work whilst I shot off to pick up the kids from Grandma’s.  I must say he was very good about it really.  We settled on half the cheese cake for his silence.   He did pass the comment that the noise from the basement made him think that the woolly mammoth had come back to life and the sight of my lower torso protruding from under the freezer Pcorn Queen trap convinced him that it had as it was smiling and winking at him in the “come on” sort of way.

I tell you, I’ve got to start and take this dieting “thang” seriously and find out how to lose weight fast! My dignity just won’t take it anymore.  

***

I tell you “It aint so pretty when the fat lady falls!” and I should know.  Just about every time I venture into the greater world I end up on my butt as sure as sharks pee in the ocean.  Anyway I’m home now and really only my dignity got bruised so I’ll settle down with this cup of coffee and this bag of doughnuts and do a Pcorn Queen Investigates for my readers…..

[Sorry but the maintenance man landed and he wouldn't leave;  I think he had hopes of a doughnut and coffee but "No chance Dude"... He was kinda cute though in a Fred Flintstone sorta way... where was I?]

On the desk today is the Paleo Diet.  What is it?  Apparently I can get in shape just by eating like a caveman…  
“Fred, get back here…  FAST Dude. It’s all about Paleolithic humans!”

I can eat all the fruit and vegetables I like but need to watch those carbohydrates.  (I thought a catalytic converter thingummy took care of carbohydrates but anyway “Thank Gowd for the fruits of the Doughnut tree say I!)  Yikes Peas and beans don’t count, now there’s a bit of a to-do.

Avoid coffee and alcohol, now this is starting to get like hard work…
“Pass me another of those Doughnut Fruits Fred, there next to the coffee beans in the kitchen.”  Yay I can eat meat chicken and fish (the weight loss probably kicks in during the hunting with a club I think.)

Where was I?…  I forget.  Ah yes;  If I stick to the Paleo Diet that I’ve been on for ages (5 minutes)  it’ll will help prevent metabolic disorders and other ailments like Alzheimer’s from striking me down.

“Oh Fred, is that your chariot parked in the yard?”
“Do me a favour and just nip down to the store and pick up a loin of woolly mammoth, would you?”

He’s such a dear.  I would have gone myself for the exercise but I’ve just poured another cup of coffee and my dignity is still mighty bruised from earlier.

*** 

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